A mad Israeli experiments with satire in the volatile Middle East
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Everyday is Holocaust Day in the P.A.
ISL - Ramallah President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, announced a new Holocaust Day to commemorate the memory of the thirty two terrorists which were killed in yesterday's Holocaust. This most recent Holocaust was perpetrated by Israeli forces operating in Gaza in an attempt to stop the murder of Israeli civilians.
Abbas eulogized the dead terrorists, mentioning some of them by name and praising their accomplishments. The Palestinian President dwelled upon the tragic fate of Ahmad, the fifteen year-old son of arch-terrorist Mahmoud Zahar: "Ahmad was a fine young terrorist, beloved by all who knew him, always the life of the party or the terrorist operation, as the case may be. Oh Ahmad, whose life was nipped in the bud before he ever had the chance to live it to the fullest," lamented the President, "It was only lately that you started launching rockets at Israeli towns, a short-lived pleasure that was taken away all too soon. "Ahmad dedicated his life to the people," said Abbas,
"He could assemble a rifle in the dark in 20 seconds and he was a trained sharpshooter, able to hit an Israeli soldier or a kibbutz volunteer in the head at 300 meters, a feat he preformed, unfortunately, only once – such talent is rare and will be missed by all of us, as will be missed his contagious enthusiasm for killing Jews – even when others would waver or tire from the incessant murder of innocents, always the young, optimistic Ahmad would be there at their side, lifting the people's spirits or else threatening to kill their families and rape their sisters if they lose the faith – that was the kind of young man he was, ever the role model, always living up to the great expectations of his father and his people. The tireless, bright young man had a brilliant future ahead of him – who knows how many Jews he could have killed? With his talent and breeding and dedication – perhaps thousands. But, alas, we will never know.
"Also, Ahmad never got the chance to feel the pleasure of killing a Jew with his own hands and sadly, now he never will. We mourn you today because you were like a son to all of us," said Abbas, crying, "A prodigal son, full of promises yet to be broken, heinous crimes un- committed, unspeakable sins that will remain undone forever after. Standing here, in the shadow of your unfulfilled destiny, we pray for your body that it may enjoy an eternity of shagging virgins, and as to your soul, praise be to Allah who, in His wisdom, never gave you one. Amen."
The new Holocaust Day will be added to the previous ones, making a total of twenty nine Holocaust Days, each one marking a separate Holocaust suffered by the Palestinian people such as the Holocaust of Jenin in which dozens of terrorists were killed by Israel, or the Holocaust of Bargouti who is still rotting in the Israeli jail and of course the greatest Holocaust of them all, the 1947 "Nakba" in which the Palestinians failed to exterminate the remnants of the Jewish people gathered in Israel, a terrible wound that to this day remains unhealed.
You know, I get the feeling that the concept of shame would be lost on these people. Of course, having an imbecile like Matan Vilna'i in charge of anything doesn't help. He stepped right into it this time, didn’t he?
Related: Abbas, the Holocaust denier, knows a Holocaust when he sees one. No suprises here, I guess. Matan Vilna'i's Shoah comments - from Jpost. Really, since when does the Hebrew language lack words to describe ruin and destruction? What a moron. Marwan Barghouti's indictment - what kind of people would express admiration for such a man?
In another great military victory for the Israeli Defense Forces, an entire office, belonging to PA Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh from the Hamas, was obliterated. Fortunately, the office was empty so no innocent terrorists were hurt in the daring, pre-dawn raid. Minister of Defense Ehud Barak praised the Israeli Air Force which managed a direct hit at the terrorist office without damaging any other nearby innocent offices, "In accordance with international law Israel takes great care in preserving the lives of innocent buildings," Barak said, "Even though in this case, as in many others, the vile terrorists hide their offices among many other, civilian offices".
PM Haniyeh himself said that he was glad that the Israel destroyed his office, "I hated it – the color scheme was terrible and the view of Gaza city was even worse." The Palestinian PM also said that he already has prepared the plans for a new office which will be done in the Bauhaus style – I am a great fan of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe," said the PM, "And I'm really excited about the new décor."
Israeli PM Ehud Olmert praised the decisive action and especially pointed out the diligence of the forces in sparing the lives of Haniyeh and his henchmen, "Sooner or later we will have to talk with Haniyeh or someone like him so there is no point in killing him, in fact, it will only make matters worse," said Olmert,
"'Better the genocidal maniac you know' is our policy," said the PM.
The PM's office is already preparing the Next Great 10-Year Peace Plan which will deeply involve the radical Hamas, "Nobody likes to be left out, especially dedicated anti-Semitic murderers and criminals like the Hamas so, in this respect, it is obvious that we have to bear some of the responsibility for the situation in Gaza," Olmert said. Olmert added that he hopes that the ritual hostilities will be over as quickly as possible so that the Peace talks between the parties can resume, "I need at least one Peace Conference a week or else I'm just not myself," Olmert admitted.
OK, really, can someone tell me why destroying an office is news? Did the office kill anybody? Did it organize attacks? Was it a genocidal office? Have we sunk so low we are now attacking holes and offices? In my humble opinion, we are the victims of a state of mind and until we change this state of mind, nothing will really change.
For instance: Leftists maybe voting for Bibi is nice but I think an apology is also warranted – after all, the Meretz Peace has killed so many people and ruined the lives of literally millions, Jews and Arabs, that the least people like Yael should do is admit their mistake, apologize and do everything they can to correct it – starting from punishing, even ostracizing, their own guilty, lying leaders – in the media, politics and the Supreme Court. Sorry, end of rant.
The inevitable has finally happened: a group of New York Knicks fans have filed a class action suit against the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden, "on behalf of abused Knicks fan all over the country," according to the group's lawyer, David Bergman. The group of fans called "Knicks Survivors Support Group" is seeking over a billion dollars in damages for what they are calling "cruel and unusual treatment of a fan base".
The group was formed two years ago when lifetime Knick fan, Chris Trenchmark, committed suicide after the Knicks forty point loss to the Atlanta Hawks, "I can't take it anymore," Chris wrote in his suicide note, "There is no hope left, all I see is darkness and the specter of Isaiah Thomas standing on the sidelines, smirking and taunting me till eternity."
Galvanized by the death of their friend, Chris's fellow fans formed a support group. Within days hundreds had joined, eager to share their shame and pain and agony, "For the first time I met people who understood what I have been going through in the past four years," said Kieth, a devoted member. As more people joined and the extent of abuse suffered by the fans, once shamefully hidden and now openly discussed, became clear, the group decided to ask the courts for help, "The New York Knicks have literally ruined the lives of tens of thousands of people," said the group's lawyer, "People have lost their jobs, gone insane and committed suicide. Some have got divorced and many have developed serious health problems. This is bigger and worse then what the tobacco companies did in the past," said Mr. Bergman,
"There is no doubt in my mind that what James Dolan and Isiah Thomas have done to Knicks' fans is un-American, unconstitutional and downright evil. I am sure that after hearing the evidence, any reasonable jury will agree."
The group says that it will rely on the personal, heart-wrenching testimony of Knicks fans, on New-York City's Welfare Department which estimates that the number of homeless and destitute people in New York in the past has risen by twenty percent due to the addition of abused Knicks fans and, of course, the abysmal record of the club and most importantly: the cruel trades inflicted upon the fan base. For instance, the trade for Zach Randolph, resulting in this travesty: (courtesy of BasketBawful)
"As you can see for yourself, inflicting this brand of basketball on a loyal, dedicated and knowledgeable fan base numbering millions, can only be understood as one of the worst cases of fan abuse that America has ever seen. Hopefully, soon, justice will be served, and the sidelines of MSG will be cleared of the corruption and evil that has resided there for far too long," said Mr. Bergman
Knicks President and coach, Isaiah Thomas, refused to address the charges, "Garden policy forbids discussion of the game, the players or the fans by any unauthorized Garden employee. I'm sorry," said Isaiah, "That's just the way it is. In fact, I shouldn't have told you that much either."
An official spokesman for MSG disclosed that the Garden Security Force is familiar with this extremist group of fans, "We have been aware of their existence from the beginning and have been following them closely," said the spokesman, "Extensive files on each and everyone of these troublemakers has been compiled and when the time comes they will be revealed for the traitors and criminals that they are."
Related: If you follow the Knicks you know there is no lack of material concerning this ongoing fiasco. I'll just list the most recent: A cartoon lampooning the Knicks, via Truehoop.
The Zach Randolph video from BasketBawful – the most hilarious, basketball-related clip I have seen in years.
Also, check out this great satire of the Knicks from "Posting and Toasting", a rather bitter Knick blog. Can't blame them, really.
P.S. I know this is way off topic for this blog but sometimes it is good to stray from the familiar and discover that there are other people out there with bigger worries than merely surviving another day – like those poor Knick fans.
Olmert: Big in Japan - and Staying There!
ISL – Tokyo
Olmert will not be returning to Israel after his four day visit to Japan, sources close to him have said to ISL. As it turns out, the visit was originally planned as an intensive job-hunting, 4-day interview and fact-finding trip which, it seems, was quite a success. According to sources close to the Israeli PM, Olmert plans to retire from his position as head of the Israeli government and will start a second career in Japan as a political geisha . Apparently, Olmert discovered during his visit that he has a unique ability to entertain Japanese officials with his tales of politics in the Middle East, "The Japanese Cabinet enjoyed Olmert's appearance immensely, especially when he told then how he won the last elections," said one source, "They were on their knees, laughing at his outrageous stories."
Olmert also has the added benefit of being a skilled and experienced political whore so that he will be able to offer a whole range of services to Japan's political and business elite, "The Japanese people are still very naïve about political corruption and Olmert has a lot to teach them," said one source, "And as an old decrepit, round-eyed foreigner he presents a unique if somewhat grotesque attraction."
Israelis of course will be relieved to find out that their incompetent Prime-Minister will now be leaving the country for good but some questions still remain. For instance – why now? And also – will his family be joining him in Japan? According to our sources, the two questions are connected:
It seems that lately Olmert has been telling people close to him that he feels that his days of destroying Israel are over, "I've done everything in my power to ruin the country but it seems that I have reached the end of the line," Olmert was heard saying. This may have something to do with the expected rejection of the proposed withdrawal-compensation law, authorizing the government to summarily destroy the lives of hundreds of thousands of Jews living in Judea and Samaria. Political observers are speculating that if Olmert is not able to carry out his plan to turn the West Bank over to Palestinian terrorists, he would prefer to retire. Sources close to the family say that Olmert's move to Japan may split the close-knit anti-Israeli clan , with Olmert's wife joining him in Tokyo and his kids staying in the country, believing, perhaps idealistically (kids!), that their presence and activities will help bring about the demise of the hated Zionist state.
But, as mentioned, all this is based on speculation and unconfirmed rumors. In our view, the real reason is probably this: only in Japan will Olmert's fantasy world coincide, at long last, with the real world and he will finally and truly become what he has always wanted to be - a giant among men. After all, it's his only chance, isn't it?
ISL – Gaza Palestinians voted with their feet yesterday, shunning the much-heralded anti-Israeli, non violent protest, in favor of lobbing mortars at Israel from the comfort and safety of their own backyards.
After successfully breaching the hitherto unknown border between Gaza and Egypt, the Palestinian government sought to do the same with the Israeli border, but this time with a twist: instead of blowing up the border and shooting at the guards, Hamas opted for a non-violent protest, the first of its kind in the desperate, decades long struggle of the Palestinian people to exterminate Israel.
The unfamiliar concept was quite a challenge for Ramzi Hamed, the Hamas Public Relations officer tasked with drumming up the necessary popular support for the move, "We don't even have the words to express such an idea," complained Ramzi, who ordered the schools closed and had his people hand out fliers announcing " A new, lethal weapon against anti-Zionism to be revealed at the demonstration" in an effort to bring out as many people as possible. But despite the offer of free bussing and refreshments, most Palestinians chose to stay at home.
"What I want to know is – if we are not killing anybody or stealing from anybody, or destroying something – then what's the point? I mean, what's in it for me?" asked Abed, A simple terrorist from Gaza, who echoed the feelings of many. For instance, Lutfi, a disgruntled father said, "If my child is going to miss bomb-making school, then it should be for a better reason then some silly demonstration where shooting is not allowed. These teachers – they will use any excuse to close down," said Lutfi, who had to quit his job at the smuggling tunnels early in order to take care of his kids, "You should have seen the dirty look the boss gave me!"
According to onlookers, only several thousand Palestinians showed up and even they were disappointed, "We came to see a new weapon that will destroy the racist Zionist entity," said Muhammad from Gaza, " Well, I've been here all day and all we did was hold hands and chant and I want to know when, in the name of Allah, are we going to kill some Israelis?" said Muhammad, echoing the sentiments of many other disappointed Palestinians.
Hundreds of these dissatisfied protesters mobbed the Hamas representatives who spent the day trying to explain the nature of the non-violent weapon to the disbelieving crowd, but to no avail. Finally, apparently out of pure frustration, the mob ransacked the Hamas non-violence stand, trashed the non-violence propaganda and shot the organizers of the non-violent protest, "There is only one way to deal with this lying Western scum," said the masked leader of the mob, called Yousouf, "The Palestinian way!"
Too bad it didn't really end this way. The Hamas people have certainly killed enough innocent people to deserve it!
Israel calls Iran "Mutant Virus", Iran Threatens to Launch Giant Loogie
ISL – New-York
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert went on the record yesterday, calling Iran "A mutant virus injected into the Middle East by Bug-Eyed Monsters from outer-space." Olmert, who is usually mild-mannered, if not meek, responded to the crass verbal attack by Iran's President Ahmadinejad who, earlier this week, called Israel "A filthy bacteria". Olmert also ordered the Foreign Ministry to deploy its forces and prepare for imminent battle, "We are preparing for the worst possible language," said Olmert.
Israeli citizens were warned to carry their earplugs with them in case of an actual attack, although, according to the Home Front Command, more than a million Israelis were left with defective ear plugs after a year-long drive to renew them was halted due to budget cuts. The HFC warned that in case of an all out Verbal War between the countries, hundreds of thousands of Israelis will suffer injuries to their sensibilities if a solution is not found in time, "Somehow a way must be found to protect innocent civilians from hearing this kind of filth," said Head of the HFC, Commander Ofir.
Meanwhile, in New York, Israeli ambassador to the U.N. , Danny Gillerman, accused the Iranians of stealing his lunch box,
"I had it right here beside me at the start of the session," said Gillerman, who lodged a lengthy and detailed complaint with the Head Master, Ban Ki-Moon "This is not the first time stuff has happened," said Gillerman. "Last week I bought a football to the session so we could all play at the break but that too was stolen."
Israeli Foreign Minister, Tzipi Livni, who rushed to New York to coordinate Israel's Verbal Defense Effort, revealed that the Iranian Ambassador , Jahnoun Ahbaladai, pulled her hair twice already since she arrived, "It hurt and I also had to go back and fix it up each time," said Livni who lodged a separate complaint with Principal Ban-Ki Moon. Head Master Moon said that he will summon parents from both sides to his office to clear the matter up, "I am sorry that his come to this," said Moon, "But I have no choice – the children simply will not listen to reason."
In Iran, President Ahmadinejad announced that Iran is preparing the biggest loogie the world has ever seen and that it will hurl it at Israel in response to its violations of international law and just for the fun of it, "We are not aliens and we not viruses," said the President, "And Olmert is nothing but an old, tired windbag full of puss." In response, Olmert said that Israel is not afraid of loogies, "Israel is well-prepared for any threats from loogies and boogers," said Olmert, who called the Iranian President "A retarded monkey, who cannot even peel his own bananas." Iran immediately issued a response saying, "It takes one to know one." After which Olmert stuck out his tongue and made a face. Ahmadinejad leered right back. Olmert then said that Ahmadinejad's behavior is childish. Ahmadinejad said: "Not so," to which Olmert replied: "Yes so." "Not so." "Yes so." "Not so." "Yes so." "Not so." "Yes so." "Not so." "Yes so." "Not so." "Yes so." "Not so." "Yes so."
Yep, these are our leaders.
Which makes me wonder – what is a bigger embarrassment: to have the pasty- looking, imbecilic, grasping Olmert as your Prime Minister or that crude, racist, maniacal buffoon Ahmadinejad as President? What do you think? And did you get the BEM reference?
Israel to Dismantle Army, Foreign Office to Assume Defense of Country
ISL – Jerusalem In the decades-long power struggle between the powerful Ministry of Defense and the historically inferior Foreign Office, the tide seems to have turned. A new, revolutionary plan has been approved by the Olmert government according to which the Israeli Army will be gradually reduced to a small peace-keeping force.
This force, together with the remainders of the Defense establishment will be integrated into the existing structure of the Foreign Office which will change its name to "The Office of Foreign Defense Affairs". The reigning Foreign Minister will carry the additional title of "Commander of the Peace Corps" and the rank of "Public Relations Field Marshall".
Foreign Minister, PR Field Marshall and Commander of the Peace, Tzipi Livni, explains, "Violence simply doesn't work anymore," said Livni, "Take for example the recent Lebanon War – we had a great, sophisticated Army that got beat by a dozen well trained PR men. The battle was won in the media. In fact, you can say that Israel lost even before the war started because we were so caught up in the illusion of power that we forgot that power is meaningless without the power to impose meaning, if you see what I mean."
The new plan will change all that. Instead of investing billions of dollars in useless military hardware, funds will be diverted to the more important and more effective front of Public Relations,
"Instead of dozens of infantry divisions we will establish a dozen PR divisions," says Livni. "Just imagine – thousands of skilled, dedicated wordsmiths, ready to attack the enemy at a moment's notice with the most engaging, pitiful images of Israeli agony."
And that, according to Livni, is the centerpiece of the new Israeli defense system – a constant, imaginative, heart-rending display of Israeli misery and suffering that will reach every home in the world and touch every human soul, "This simple tactic has worked admirably for the Palestinians and there is no reason to think that it won't work even better for us. After all," said Livni, "The Jewish people invented suffering and guilt so the least we can do is to make them work for us, instead of against us."
According to the new plan, the removal of all defense mechanisms and the elimination of the threat of retaliation will encourage the Palestinians to attack Israel with a renewed vigor and with much more powerful weapons. These will inevitably increase the suffering of Israeli citizens, "With any kind of luck the number of casualties will rise and the wards will be filled with horribly wounded Israelis" said Livni, "Cripples for life, barely alive burn victims, life altering, unspeakable deformations and shrapnel-scarred survivors of Palestinian cruelty – those are the weapons of the future," said Livni, "And the quicker we get them, and the more we have, the sooner we will be able to win the Public Opinion War and when we do that the Palestinians will have no choice but to surrender and accept our demands, whatever they are."
Livni and her staff have already begun this campaign to renounce violence and embrace public relations by inviting prominent politicians to tour Sderot and the Western Negev, communities which have been hard hit by Palestinan rocket fire. The tours are a resounding success says Livni, "The Ukrainian ambassador nearly cried when we showed him what the Kassam did to that poor kid and the sentimental Americans really did cry. It was a great victory for Israel," concluded Livni.
"Facing deeply rooted prejudice and decades of Palestinian propaganda, we managed to turn the tables in a matter of minutes, just by showing people the real Israel – a country full of pain and suffering, experiencing daily fear and terror and agony, a land of hopeless, shell-shocked citizens who know that they or someone they love has a good chance to get killed or wounded any minute. A country that deserves the pity and empathy and support of the world and will do anything and everything to get it, including committing suicide."
Well, I guess this was inevitable. After all, our elites have decided long ago that Jewish self-defense is a violation of the human rights of murderers of Jews, so there really isn't much left to do, is there?
Perhaps now would be the right time to change our name from "The People of the Book" to "the People of the Scapegoat", seeing as we are such gluttons for punishment…
In the Photo: Field Marshall of Public Relations and Comander of the Peace, Foriegn Minister Tzipi Livni in full battle dress. (Official photo courtesy of Foriegn Office archives)
FM Livni is one of the most highly decorated PR warriors that the Foreign office has ever known, participating in hundreds of PR battles and skirmishes for which she has received numerous decorations.
On the left, from top to bottom: - The Star of David for exceptional heroism under fire, earned three times for three separate actions, most notably in the notorious Livorno Press Conference of 1994 where a hundred anti-Israeli reporters ambushed the Israeli delegation. Livni, then a simple corporal, kept a cool head, answered all questions in a level-headed manner and managed to lead the whole delegation to safety. Livni was promoted in the field to rank of lieutenant. This action began her rapid rise in the ranks of the Foreign Office.
- The Bleeding Heart (red ribbon) received for exceptional display of emotion and empathy during a tour of the victims of the Tsunami which devastated Asian countries in 2004. Livni's outpour was so convincing that the local press dubbed her "The Queen of Cry" for her unparalleled ability to cry convincingly and instantaneously.
On the right, from top to bottom: - The Oslo Peace Award for conducting negotiations with genocidal terrorists; The Camp David Award for negotiating from a position of weakness; The Award of the Paper, for extracting a piece of paper signed, perhaps, by a U.S. President stating that Israel has, under certain conditions, a right to exist; Three badges of merit from the Order of St. Rabin given for Livni's total and unquestioning loyalty to the idea that wishful thinking and a good hair-do is the best way to run a country.
Related: If you haven't noticed, the Foreign Office has already begun to turn itself into a ministry of grotesque tourism:
Makes you wonder who's next? My suggestion - how about dragging the editors of Ha'aretz, Yediot and Maariv, the three Israeli dailies, along with their partners in television, for a visit. A really long one, like- forever...
Update: DryBones, coming fresh off the Jerusalem conference, has something to say about Tzipi. It's not flattering.... see: His Place Setting.
Feminism Originated in Islam Says Radical Muslim Feminist
ISL – London
Mad at the English public for completely and often willfully misunderstanding their religion, liberated Muslim women are now striking back. Led by the Muslim Feminists Association in London, these women are determined to show the Western culture they live in that the noble values of Islam have preceded those of the West by millennia, especially in the realm of feminism.
"We find it ridiculous that Western media try to preach to us about human rights for women," Says Um-Jihad, mother of ten from London and member of the Association, "When everybody knows that Islam gave them to us ages ago. For instance, we have had the right to refuse marriage for over a thousand years. A whole millennium before Western women even began thinking about it," said Um-Jihad, "Although, to be sure, why would any woman refuse to marry the man that her own parents have found for her? What woman would be so unashamed as to cruelly and ungratefully reject the advice and the express wishes of her parents who gave her life and nourishment when she was only a troublesome, worthless baby girl, when they would have been perfectly within their rights to strand her and leave her to die, buried in the cold, dry sand? "It goes beyond saying that no Muslim woman would do such a thing. We are not Western hussies," says Um-Jihad,who continued her tirade against Western misconceptions:
"Yes, Islam has given us the right to divorce. Moslem women have had that right for centuries. But that doesn't mean you should go ahead and break up your family the minute things don’t go exactly your way, does it now? After all, who will provide for the children? Who will fend off other men? I mean, why make such a fuss over a slap or two from your husband? Between me and you, chances are that you deserve it," said Um-Jihad, who denied that Muslim women are deterred from seeking divorce for fear they will be murdered.
"Poppy-cock" said the Muslim Feminist, "That is part of Western propaganda against Islam. Sure, our men are hot-headed sometimes and they are apt to lose control but that is just the way they are. Even if they do murder their wives from time to time, why, they are well within their rights – they have rights too you know - and anyway, it is better than your weak, miserable, pathetic Western men, who do not know how to handle their women.
"Women are far better off in Islam because Muslim men are real men, who know how to treat a women right. Women need to get slapped around a bit. It is good for us, believe me. That is why so many Western women are now looking desperately for Muslim husbands. All the rights in the world are not worth anything without a real man in the house."
Um-Jihad lauds Muslim Feminists who, ages ago, fought for the right of women to not run for office, not drive a car, not vote and not have any legal rights in a court of law "Our fore-mothers understood that life is complicated enough without women getting in the way of their men. That is why we fought for the right to remain in our homes, covered from head to toe. That way we can be ourselves and no one can stop us. How can a woman ask for any more freedom than to be herself?" asked Um-Jihad.
"Look at your Western women with their so-called rights – are they any happier than I am? I have a wonderful husband, who is so good at his job that he has been forced into hiding from the Zionists for the past eleven years and ten glorious kids – two of whom have already killed dozens of infidels in Iraq, before going to their heavenly paradise and Insh'Allah, and two more committed sons on the way. So, you tell me, can life get any better for me as a wife and a mother - as a woman? "I have a successful husband, kids who, despite growing up in the decadent West, know the difference between right and wrong and are willing to give up their lives for their ideals – I mean, what more can a woman wish for?"
Hmmm. She nearly has me convinced , this Muslim Feminist. Sure sounds like the life to me. Now, if only I could get my wife to listen to reason…
Not Enough Violence in Palestinan Media, Classrooms, Experts Warn
ISL – Gaza
Recent research conducted by the Palestinian Institute for Reform in Education (PIRE) is causing a stir in Palestinian society. The research, whose main findings were published in the Hamas paper of note, "The Daily Beheading", ("All the infidels fit to kill"), blames Hamas for failing to reform Palestinian education as it promised before the elections, causing the level of Palestinian violence, especially among the younger generation, to reach an all-time low.
According to the research, conducted by Gamal Abu-Hussein, Professor of Propaganda at the Gaza University and his colleague, Dr. Nizar Shibli, a child psychologist who specializes in inducing violent psychological disorders in preschoolers, the current generation of Palestinian children, aged 3 to 18 are the least likely to become suicide bombers, the least likely to actively seek and kill infidels, and the least likely to kill their sisters, compared to previous generations. "We are witnessing a full blown, unmitigated educational disaster," say the researchers, "The ripple effects of the lack of violence are already being felt, with a noticeable dip in honor killings and the resulting prostitution of our women, some of whom have become so daring as to openly flaunt their uncovered alluring noses in public," says Abu-Hussein.
How do the researchers square the evidence of hundreds of thousands of Palestinians at the Hamas rallies with their research?
"Easy," says Abu-Hussein, "Anyone can come to a rally and scream silly slogans like 'Destroy the Little Satan', 'Annihilate the Big Satan', 'Kill the infidels' and so on for ten straight hours. The question is, how many of these die-hard Hamasniks actually get off their fat asses and do something about it?," asks Abu-Hussein, who concluded, "According to our research – precious few."
For instance, out of a sample of ten thousand school-age children in Gaza 99.9 percent agreed that Israel must be destroyed and the Jews raped and killed mercilessly. However, less than one percent actually volunteered to become suicide bombers and the majority of those were volunteered by their families, "The truth is that the volunteering spirit of Palestinian children is at an all time low," the researchers admit.
But if the situation is indeed so desperate – can anything be done? "Certainly," says Dr. Shibli, "Science has given us everything we need in order to overcome this crisis. It is well known that exposure to violence and abuse at a young age will result in violent behavior at all stages of childhood and beyond. According to our research, the only problem has been that Palestinian children have been underexposed to violence due to negligence and an undue sensitivity of the Hamas educators.
"For instance, using cartoon characters to depict violence as the Hamas has done repeatedly is, in the final analysis, ineffective. Children perceive the violence as unreal and dismiss it out of hand. In fact, television is one of the worst ways to encourage violence since it is always second hand, unreal and therefore ineffective. If you ask me – television is ruining Palestinian society," said Dr. Shibli.
"Anyway," continued the Doctor, "In our laboratory experiment we dressed one child as an Israeli soldier, strapped him to an electric chair, and let the subjects – children aged three to ten years old - electrocute the so-called Israeli. The higher the voltage, the more screams were induced by the subject, and the more praise he received. Every additional 100 kilowatts of power administered to the "Israeli", the subject received some candy. At the end of the training course the children were itching to get their hands on an Israeli and hurt him. In fact, out of frustration they started hitting each other!" said the beaming Dr. Shibli.
"So clearly, we have here an educational technique that cannot miss. Our children will be raised to be just as violent, fanatic and blindly aggressive as their forefathers. Our traditions will be upheld and Palestinian society will be stronger than ever."
"But what about the children who got electrocuted?" I asked Dr. Shibli "Yes, well, the system still isn't perfect," said the child psychologist, "Although there is a chance they will live. But, like they say, "You can't make a Palestinian without breaking some kids."
Related:
"Palestinian promotion of child martyrdom" from The Palestinan Media Watch ,(scroll down) which has an exhaustive supply of Palestinian insanity. If you need to throw up, I think this site will help you! Lots of videos from Hamas TV, transcripts, crazy cartoons - all the hatred and bigotry on full display. Enjoy!
ISL – Gaza The question raised in the headline is not a joke. In fact, it is an important philosophical and mathematical question whose answer may determine the fate of Israel and the entire Middle East.
This puzzling issue has come up again with the recent publication of the 2007 Palestinian census conducted by the Central Bureau of Islamic Statistics. According to the census, the number of Palestinians currently residing in the West Bank and Gaza is slightly below 56 million people – almost ten times the entire Jewish population of Israel. If true, these numbers spell disaster for Israel which will find it increasingly difficult to survive and impose its desire to exist upon such a large and hostile neighboring population .
Some experts though have cast doubt on the veracity of the data and the techniques used to compile it. For instance, Professor Ettinger points out that the 1997 census reported only 2 million Palestinians, so that the updated number represents an impossible rate of growth, "This means that the Palestinians are multiplying faster than lice," said Ettinger, "Every Palestinian woman from age 5 to age 70 must have been giving birth to twins every two months in order to achieve this growth." Ettinger concluded, " The numbers just don't add up. If you ask me, something is fishy."
But is it possible the Palestinians are lying?
"No!" says Head of the Central Bureau of Islamic Statistics, Shiekh Amin El-Salam, who insists that he conducted the research according to the strictest rules of Islamic statistics. For instance, a great debate was conducted concerning the question how to count the Palestinians. "Obviously it is inconceivable that one would count Palestinians the same way one would count infidels. There is no way on earth that we could do that," said the Shiekh, "The question we faced was: what is the appropriate, statistically Islamic way of counting the Palestinians?"
This question was raised in numerous meetings of the expert statistics staff, consisting of some of the brightest theological minds in the Palestinian Authority. Some Muftis said that each Palestinian is worth twice as much as any Jew, while others insisted that the number should be a ten to one ratio since anything less would be a humiliation of the proud Moslem spirit, "After months of deliberation, our statisticians came up with a formula which brings into account the intrinsic value of each Palestinian, the less than zero value of infidels, the political value of a higher count population and the chances of any one calling us out. To this number we randomly added fifty million and that was it."
But after the formula was reached one final question still remained: Who should conduct the survey itself? A short but fierce battle was fought between the rival factions of Hamas and Fatah in order to gain the right to participate in the historical event, "A census is an authentic and important expression of our Palestinian people-hood," said the sheikh, "Which is why it was vital to exclude the Fatah traitors from the proceedings."
After seizing complete control of the census and with the new formula in hand, yet another question was raised: why bother? "Since we had already Islamically determined how many Palestinians there are, some people said that there was little point in wasting money on doing the actual survey," said Sheikh Amin, "And after a short deliberation we indeed decided that it would be a shame to waste the ten million dollars the European Union gave us to conduct the census on actually carrying it out, when we had already determined the results thanks to the Koran. It was decided that in this case , the proper way to use the money would be to reduce the number of Jews, which is actually also a very important, complimentary part of the Palestinian census, so really, the Europeans are getting their money's worth either way."
In a last ditch effort to save the desert city of Sderot, the beleaguered inhabitants have decided to take matters into their own hands, "It is obvious that the Israeli government cannot or will not help us, so we are on our own," concluded Mayor Eli Moyal. The city, which enjoys the overwhelming support of Israelis and Jews around the world, except for the Israeli government itself, is now examining cost-effective ways of combating the daily terror from Gaza.
One idea that came up in the town meetings is to build giant catapults that will fling pigs into the Gaza Strip. The animals are considered unclean by Moslems and may deter them from continuing the attacks, "If for every rocket they launch, a pig will land on their heads, maybe they will think twice," said the mayor.
Another idea has been to hire an Arab gang of thieves and murderers in order to combat the Palestinian terrorists residing in Gaza, "No one cares if Arabs kill each other so this would be an ideal solution to our problem," said Mr. Moyal, "The only problem is that for the past decade or so the Israeli government has cornered the market on violent, blood-thirsty Arabs, arming them, training them and paying them exorbitant sums of money so that they will protect Israel from violent, blood-thirsty Arabs." Moyal said that the new city-state of Sderot cannot afford to match the funds that such gangs receive,
"If the most experienced and reliable gang in this field, the Fatah, can charge billions of dollars for their services, than even the most unreliable, low life, pathetic Arab gang of incompetent murderers will ask for, and receive, a princely sum."
At the moment, a cheaper alternative and a more feasible one may be to hire a Marine Corps battalion to do the job, "Considering how quickly the Americans dismantled the Iraqi Army, it would probably take a small force of Marines no more than a week to disrupt the small terrorist operation in Gaza," said a municipal security expert. The cost of hiring such a battalion for a week is prohibitive but is still less than the cost of hiring Arab criminals to protect Sderot.
Mayor of Sderot said that the city will begin a world-wide fund-raiser in an attempt to raise the 250 million dollar down payment required to engage the services of the Marine battalion, "If the Jewish people unite and open their hearts and pockets, the Jews in Sderot will finally have a defense force," said the Mayor, "After thousands of years in the Diaspora it will be like a dream come true, even if it will only be for one week: The age-old picture of a harassed, defenseless Jew will be replaced by a proud, valiant, American Marine."
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem, Prime Minister Olmert reacted with approval to the Sderot Campaign, "Personally, I don't blame them," said Olmert, "I just wonder what took them so long. After all, isn't it about time they stopped kvetching and took their fate into their own hands? " asked the Prime Minister. "I am glad that they finally realized that Israel cannot be a nanny state forever. The government has a lot of things to do besides defending citizens from foreign armies. I mean, sometimes the people just have to do some things for themselves, such as defend themselves from existential threats."
Olmert also admitted that the apparent secession of Sderot was a relief, "The city was becoming a serious embarrassment to me and my government, so I'm really happy the Sderot nightmare is over,' said Olmert, "And I sincerely wish them success in their struggle to survive. In fact, just to show everybody that there are no ill feelings between the Israeli Government and Sderot, I am willing to personally pledge one thousand shekels from my own personal, government expense account for the noble and just cause of defending the city."
Sigh. With this kind of government, who needs enemies?
Beilin Peace Martyrs Threaten Reconciliation in Hebron
ISL – Hebron Tensions rose in the West Bank city of Hebron yesterday following a successful meeting between Jewish and Arab inhabitants of the city. The city's Arab leaders, sheikhs Abu Khader Jabri and Haj Abu Ahram Abu Sneina, met with local settlers in an attempt to reconcile their differences and return to a normal mode of life after years of violent, bloody peace, "We are sick of peace," said Shiekh Jabri, "All we want is to return to the calm and good life we all enjoyed before this cursed peace broke out fifteen years ago."
Shiekh abu-Sniena added that as far as his people are concerned, they welcome the Jewish inhabitants of the city, "This holy city belongs to both peoples," said the Shiekh. The cordial meeting ended with a mutual feeling of satisfaction and optimism, "There is no reason Arabs and Jews cannot live together as long as we stick by each other and restrain the radicals on both sides," said Katzover, Head of the Regional Council.
Unfortunately, the new, local peace initiative faces a determined opposition. Immediately following the meeting, Beilin's Brigade of Peace Martyrs scattered leaflets in the city, promising dire consequences to all the participants. David "Abu-Noah" Kaufman, spokesman for the radical organization, said that real Peace is made by leaders of countries and licensed terrorist groups meeting in exotic resorts in foreign lands, not by local citizens meeting with each other in order to resolve their issues,
"These kind of meetings must be stopped since they will only bring the illusion of Peace to the inhabitants who are bound to be terribly disappointed," said the spokesman. In a humanitarian effort to save the citizens of Hebron from a devastating let-down, Leftist organizations have already promised to cause as much mayhem and havoc in the city as possible, "Some houses and shops will be burned and some innocent civilians may likely be injured or killed in the upcoming Peace riots but it is for their own good," said Kaufman, who promised that hundreds of Peace activists from all over the world will answer the call to save Hebron, "the City of Their Fathers" from the prospect of unauthorized, illegitimate peace, "Whatever happens the media will blame the settlers so we are not worrying about a PR disaster for us,"said Kaufman.
"True Peace cannot be achieved as long as Jews remain in the city," added Kaufman, who condemned the Arab leaders for conceding a Jewish prescence in Hebron, and thus completely misunderstanding the most basic concepts of real Peace, "After twenty years they still don't get the idea. Is it any wonder that we have to work so hard to save these poor, ignorant Arabs from themselves?" asked the spokesman.
The Beilin Brigades of Peace Martyrs are a military group of Peace activists closely affiliated to the Israeli political party called "Meretz". They are named after the first Peace Martyr, Yossi Beilin, who spent three weeks in a log cabin, deep in the Norwegian forest, alone, with the deceased PLO leader, Yasser Arafat, in an attempt to formulate the historic Oslo Accords. Beilin himself however, continues to deny any connection to the group.
Members swear allegiance to the Oslo Accords and the Beilin Doctrine which calls for continuous, high level and ultimately pointless meetings between liberal, self-hating Israeli- Ashkenazi Jews and rich, corrupt, Westernized Palestinians in an attempt to spend as much time as possible out of the country, preferably somewhere nice in Europe.
Hat tip: The Bookworm, who does not see these leaders living that much longer.
Olmert Promises 72 Immaculate Prosthetic Limbs to Sderot Peace Martyrs
ISL – Berlin
Taking timeout from his winter vacation in Berlin, Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, addressed the crisis in Sderot, where two children were severely wounded in the sudden, twenty thousandth, five hundred and forty fifth mortar attack on the city. Olmert praised the bravery of the children and declared them "Peace Martyrs" who are now eligible to receive the promised 72 mint condition, "virgin" prosthetic limbs and body parts that each Jewish Peace Martyr is entitled to according to the Gospel of St. Rabin (Ch. 5, 23), which states that the faithful sheep will reap the rewards of Disability Pension for Life (200 NS! A month!!) and seventy two of the best prosthetics money can buy.
"For every vile Palestinan rocket, we will answer with a Jewish Peace Martyr," said Olmert who also vowed that the Israeli Martyrs wll not lack for limbs or other body parts, "Instead of two legs, we will give them twenty, instead of one spleen, they will have ten! Instead of one head they shall have three!! Instead of ten fingers they shall have fifty; in short, they will get seventy two new body parts or my name isn't Olmert!" cried the Prime Minister, who also promised to monitor the child's progress closely once he (Olmert) returns from Germany, "What's his name will be like a brother to me from now on," Olmert said.
Olmert also expressed his sincere regrets that he himself could not give his life or at least one of his body parts for Peace, claiming that his security guard will not allow him to endanger himself,
"The head of the security guard told me he would quit if I ever try to ride a bus," said Olmert, "When I suggested maybe sitting in a coffee shop, or visiting the Shuk just to show that I'm one of the people he nearly fainted. According to security protocol the only safe places for me are my office and my house, which have both been reinforced with extra thick steel. Fortunately, I am also allowed to go any place outside of Israel, which is why I spend so much time out of the country – it makes life a lot easier for the security people," Olmert explained, "But, still, sometimes I envy the carefree life of the common people, like the lucky people in Sderot."
In Sderot, the mother of the two Peace Martyrs admitted that she couldn't have been happier, "I am as proud as any mother could be for sacrificing her children for the sake of make-believe peace and Olmert's media spin," said Aliza, "The only thing that would make me happier is if the d#$%^%%$ rocket would have fallen on my head and killed me instead. That would have been true joy. But you can't have everything in life," said the courageous mother who is so happy she hasn't stopped crying for the past two days, "I can't help it," she said, "I'm just overcome with joy."
Am I bitter? You bet I am. How can one not be? Middle East expert Daniel Pipes has said more than once that the only cure to Western stupidity, naiveté and gullibility in the face of radical Islam is death. He calls it "Education by Murder".
It seems like a pretty good idea, but it is apparent that in Israel this just isn't working. But if we cannot learn from death, then what can we learn from? I mean, what is worse than death? (No, don't tell me - I really would rather not know)
On the other hand, maybe murder is effective, just everyone has his own pace of awakening - such as this kibbutznik from the Gaza border who is now advocating...well, see for yourself on the Haifa Diary, which brings excerpts from a letter: More and More Kassams.
Israeli Government Hits Palestinians with Harsh Concessions After Sderot Attack
ISL - Jerusalem In an emergency meeting following the tragic injuries sustained by two Sderot children, Olmert promised the nation revenge, " We will reach all terrorists wherever they are," vowed Olmert, "And when we find them, we will talk to them, we will concede everything we have and hopefully we will be able to make peace with them." Olmert made it clear that defending Israel is not an option, " I was elected on a platform of make-believe peace combined with a real neglect of the welfare of Israel," Olmert said," How would it look if I now reneged on my campaign promises? Who would ever trust me again?" Olmert asked.
However, Olmert emphasized that he is truly touched by the plight of Sderot citizens and other communities near Gaza who are now suffering from the results of the Disengagement which Olmert supported and engineered, "I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me being callous and insensitive - on the contrary, I care deeply about what is happening to this country," said Olmert, "Which is why I absolutely must take a vacation - I just can't stand this terrible reality anymore," said Olmert, who begins his vacation in Berlin tomorrow. Olmert advised Sderot residents to do the same, "There is nothing like a good vacation at the taxpayer's expense to clear your head and get away from all the troubles at home," said the Prime Minister, "In my decades of public service this remedy has never failed me."
Despite this solid advice, hands-on Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak took a different approach, courageously going to visit Sderot to assess first hand the damage done to the city and to the inhabitant's morale. Unfortunately, his entourage was unable to locate the small desert city and ended up in Kibbutz Ein-Gedi instead. Arriving in the evening, Barak crashed the weekly kibbutz meeting, commandeered the microphone and lectured the stunned kibbutz members, admonishing them for complaining about their conditions when, in reality, their situation was actually better than most places in Israel, "I wish the whole country had it as well as you do," said the Minister of Defense who also admonished the Israeli media "Who exaggerated everything and have it all wrong as usual."
Several people who tried to disrupt the speech and inform Barak that he was not in Sderot were mistaken for settlers and were quickly whisked away by his security guards. They will stand trial for sedition, rebellion, and attempted murder.
Meanwhile, in retaliation for the attack on Sderot, IDF forces attacked a large hole in the ground near Beit Hanoun in the Gaza Strip, which was seriously wounded . Later reports from the Palestinians confirmed that the hole was killed. Thousands of Palestinians were seen mourning the hole and vowing revenge. The hole's brother, a nearby shallow furrow was also hurt during the raid. The Ministry of Defense released a statement praising the operation but warning that there are still hundreds of dangerous holes in Gaza, "We will find every terrorist hole and destroy it," Barak promised, although he admitted that the origin of the violent holes remains a mystery.
Let this be a lesson: A government that will not defend settlers, will also not defend any other Jew no matter what his political opinions or religious preferences are. We saw this in the recent Lebanon War and we see it everyday in the South.
UN Human Rights Council Praises Iranian Policy of Stoning
ISL – New York In a special session dedicated to the celebration of human rights in Iran, Ahmad Sallah the Libyan Chairman of the United Nation Human Rights Council heaped praise on the record of the Iranian regime, "The manner in which Iran views human rights accurately reflects the policy of the council," said Ahmad Sallah, "As most council members are aware, reconciling the prerequisites of a dictatorship with basic human rights for one's subjects is one of the most difficult challenges that despots face all over the world. Considering the fact that dictatorships traditionally have other priorities to work through before addressing the needs of the common people, the Council finds it noteworthy that the regime in Iran has consistently been on the forefront of authoritarian countries striving to introduce human rights into the daily life of their subjects."
The Council specifically addressed a recent case in which two sisters were sentenced to stoning after being convicted of adultery. According to our sources in Iran, the two sisters were out walking in the capital, Teheran, when one of them stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk. A man who was passing by held out his hand to steady the faltering woman, who thanked him and went on her way. The whole sequence lasted less than thirty seconds but , unfortunately for the women, it was taped by a private investigator hired by the woman's suspicious husband. Using the newest technology and the oldest ideas, the husband was able to prove that the woman needlessly pressed her hand onto the man's arm for a good extra five seconds. It was also shown that their eyes met for a long, clearly sexual moment of time, which, according to the husband, "lasted an extremely painful eternity". In light of the overwhelming evidence the court had no choice but to rule that the woman had knowingly and shamelessly committed adultery. She was sentenced along with her sister, who was an accomplice to the act, to ninety nine lashes, the minimum sentence required by law in such a case.
The Council said that the tolerance exhibited by the Iranian court was extraordinary, "For one thing," said Chairman of the Council, "They had a trial! In my country, the woman would have been shot immediately," said Mr. Sallah. The Council praised both the implementation of due process in a case in which the outcome was obvious from the start and also the leniency of the Iranian court for administering a mere 99 lashes,
"In Sudan they would have got 300 lashes and 25 years in jail," said Deputy Chairman, General Khalil Bashir, third cousin of Sudan leader Field Marshall Umar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir.
However, as chance had it, a mistake was made by the Iranian courts and it was discovered only after the sister's had received their lashings that the correct ruling for such a case is death by stoning and not 99 lashes. The courts immediately notified the two sisters and apologized profusely for the mistake, "The women distracted the judges with their incessant flirting" said a press release from the Teheran Courts of Islamic Justice, "And thus caused the regrettable mistake. The offense will be added to their record." According to their attorney the two sisters were enormously relieved that the lashing they had received was all a terrible mistake, "I knew I was innocent," said the accused, although the news of her upcoming stoning somewhat dampened her enthusiasm.
"The stoning is considered an act of mercy in Islam, since the punishment will cleanse the women's souls and enable them to spend eternity in heaven," explained Saudi representative to the UNHRC, Shikh Fawzi Abdullah, "Thus, far from being a cruel means of punishment, as biased Western observers may suppose, it is actually the best thing that could have happened to the two women. It is an extraordinary case of the compassionate application of human rights by the Iranian Courts." Accordingly, the U.N Council has booked seats for the stoning, scheduled to take place next month, "It will be an honor for the Council members to participate in the stoning in person and thus recognize the Iranian contribution to human rights while also giving each representative a concrete opportunity to stone a vile adulteress and thus contribute to the advancement of human rights which is, after all is said and done, what the UNHRC is all about, isn't it" asked the Libyan Chairman, Ahmad Sallah.
Sadly, this is what human rights look like when the worst offenders in the world are running the show. Poor Iranian Women!! A pity Western Feminists are too busy selfishly condemning the petty offenses of Western Patriarchy or Israel to actually bother with defending women's rights where it is most needed.
Olmert Gets Off Easy Because of "Peace Syndrome" says Winograd Member
ISL – Jerusalem In an interview given today to the Israeli daily "Maariv", Professor Dror, a prominent member of the Winograd committee, admitted that it let Olmert off the hook because the Isreli PM is suffering from what has become known as the "Peace Syndrome". In Israeli law, a plea of "Peace Syndrome" is similar to the function of the insanity plea in other Western countries. In fact, it is actually a specific case of insanity plea in which the defendant pleads to be irresponsible for his actions due to his pursuit of peace. The peace plea was first used by Izthak Rabin who used it to completely reverse his election platform after the elections. Rabin's case reached the Supreme Court where prominent psychiatrists managed to convince the court that Rabin suffered from "Peace Syndrome" or "Peace Disorder" and therefore cannot be held responsible for his political actions. Since then the Peace Syndrome has been studied further and it now appears to be similar to the well-known "Messiah Syndrome" where the afflicted tune out the world and focus on an inner voice which prompts them to act out their religious fantasies, except that here the patient is trying to act out a childish fantasy of peace: "Many adults who assume greater responsibility than they can possibly handle, break down and retreat into an imaginary, peaceful world where they do not have to worry about a thing," said Dr. Schmidt the foremost peace-related disease expert in Israel ,
"Politicians are especially vulnerable to this disease, particularly if they already are in the habit of avoiding reality, as many of them are," explained the expert. Since the first outbreak of the Peace Syndrome, which occurred in the early 1990's, Israel has seen several prominent public figures succumb to the mysterious disease such as Ehud Barak, Ariel Sharon and now - Ehud Olmert. Following the precedent set by the Rabin case, Olmert will not and legally cannot be charged for incompetence or malpractice. According to Dr. Schmidt, the best course of treatment is to let the patient act out his fantasy until he snaps out of it, " There is no known cure for the Peace Syndrome," said the Doctor, "Shock treatment and psychotic drugs such as mood stabilizers, stimulants and hypnotics have not been effective in treatment but abrupt changes in the daily routine can be fatal."
Accordingly, Olmert, who looks increasingly weak and fading and keeps reminding me of Gollum, will remain in office. With any luck he will soon fade away completely into his fantasy world, leaving us to clean up the mess he and his peace-afflicted predecessors have made for us. Believe me, that will be a Passover to remember!!
Commissioner Goodell Reveals New England Patriots Spy Network!
ISL – New York
Can things possibly get worse for the New England Patriots? Just two days after losing Super Bowl XLII and a forfeiting a historically perfect season, League Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that League investigators, in cooperation with the F.B.I. and Interpol, have uncovered a vast, well organized spy network run by New England Coach Bill Belichick for almost a decade. The investigation terminated on Super Bowl Sunday when law enforcement officials arrested dozens of Patriot spies and informers all over the country as well as an undisclosed number of Patriot's employees who were in Phoenix. As witnessed by millions of viewers, Coach Belichick, sensing that his time was up, tried to make a run for it at the end of the embarrassing loss to the New York Giants. Belichick was easily apprehended by a Phoenix Police Department SWAT team who were expecting the attempt.
The first details to come out of the investigation reveal that an espionage division was secretly established by the Patriots beginning from the year 2000, when Bill Belichick took over as head coach. Starting from simple video taping of opponents, Belichick soon moved on to more sophisticated methods of human intelligence gathering. According to investigators, the Patriots recruited dozens of agents all over the league. Offering vast sums of money to water boys, athletic trainers, dieticians and car valets, the Patriots were able to form a complete picture of every opponent in the American Football League, "They knew what every line man had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for every day, weeks before the game," said Agent Lowry Head of the F.B.I's Sports Section, "They knew where they grew up and how, who their friends were, what they dream about at night and why - anything that could possibly affect their performance and the game itself, even in the most remote manner."
Always a stickler for detail, Belichick also hired a group of former Israeli Mossad agents to gather crucial information about every rival quarterback. Thousands of pages of documents along with videos were found at Belichick's home, detailing the most intimate moments in the lives of elite quarterbacks such as Peyton Manning, Phillip Rivers and Donovan Mcnabb, beginning from birth. For instance,
the Patriots defense watched Peyton Manning commercials for hours on end in order to fully understand the psyche of their opponent, "By the time we got on the field we knew what audibles Manning was going to call even before he did – the sucker never had a chance," gloated one unnamed Patriot defensive back, known only as "Mr. HGH".
Apparently, the Patriots dominance of the league developed alongside the growing reach of their espionage network, "It started from one seemingly innocuous video assistant and grew into a vast network of informers, moles and spies. We still don't really know how far and how deep it goes," said Agent Lowry, "But we do know that the evil genius of Bill Belichick was behind it all."
One of the more recents questions raised concerns the Patriots first Super Bowl victory in which a video assistant apparently taped the Ram's final walk-through. However, it now appears that the Patriots had no need to do so since Ram's Assistant Head Coach and Defensive Coordinator Bud Carson was already a Patriot agent. Carson agreed to supply the Patriots with a copy of the Ram's playbook after his five year old daughter Amy was abducted and held hostage for two weeks. In a videotaped confession, Carson revealed that Belichick threatened to torture and kill his only daughter if he did not do their bidding. Carson has entered the Federal Witness Protection Program.
And there is more: How much did mediocre sixth round draft pick Tom Brady actually know? Is his name really Tom Brady – or is he actually Thomas Von Schloss, the illegitimate offspring of former Nazi leader, Heinrich Von Schloss, who escaped from Allied prison after the war and began a new life under an assumed name, somewhere in South America? Is Gisele Bundchen actually Tom Brady's sister? And is it true that the Patriots kidnap homeless American children and sell them as slaves to Saudi princes in return for cheaper oil?
Today, the NFL has finally given hope to millions of fans around the world that soon we will have satisfactory answers to all of these questions. Note: I know that this is not regular fare here but I am still obsessed by that awesome game. Let's say this is my answer to Haveil Havalim #152 The Patriots Must Lose Edition from Random Thoughts.
ISL – Jerusalem In the two-year old struggle between the power-hungry Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert, and the Nation of Israel, Olmert has yet again managed to surprise all observers. In the wake of the final, damning Winograd Report and with his fragile government waiting upon Labor Leader Ehud Barak's decision, Olmert played his final card: after barricading himself in his office in the Israeli Parliament, he super-glued himself to his chair and then called Barak and the media, threatening suicide if he was forced to resign, "Life isn't worth it for me anymore if I am not Prime Minister," a tearful Olmert told reporters, "If Barak decides to leave the coalition, I will kill myself." After issuing the threat a single gunshot was heard, proving that Olmert indeed has the necessary means to carry out his threat.
Under these circumstances, all the pressure fell on Barak's shoulder who had to consider not only the fate of the nation but also the fate of its depressed Prime Minister. After tossing and turning all night and getting advice from friends and polling experts, Barak, who has earned a reputaton as a mathematical and intellectual genius, decided to do the right thing, "In the Talmud it says: 'Whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world' so by my calculations, if I had quit the government, I would have saved Israel," said Barak, "But by not quitting, I am saving a life, which is like saving the whole world, which, obviously, is worth much more than saving just one country, even if it is my own."
After receiving word of the decision, Olmert let firemen break into his office. Olmert himself, though, is still super-glued to his chair and refuses to get out of it, "I am not letting this chair out of my sight anymore," said Olmert, "One close call was enough, I cannot take another." Barak made the momentous decision over the protests of Labor party colleagues and despite his own election promises, "Promises are made to be broken, everybody knows that," said Barak, "I mean, what kind of a fool votes for a candidate because of what he promises or says anyway?"
Meanwhile Olmert congratulated Barak on his decision, "It takes a brave man to stay in office despite public opinion and contrary to the good of the country," said Olmert, who promised to make amends for his bungling of the last war, " I learned my lesson," said Olmert, "And just to prove it, I will start another war, a glorious campaign which our professional, revamped Army can surely win, the War against the Settlers!" Olmert said that the first objective of the Settler War will be recapturing the "Peace House", a property bought by settlers on the false pretenses of giving money to the owner in return for a transference of ownership, "We are sick of all the legal maneuverings of the settlers and the way they constantly manipulate the system," Olmert said, "The only way to vanquish such a slippery, untrustworthy enemy is by force," said Olmert, "Israel will prove that it is has awesome power and that it is willing to use it against its enemies, even when they cynically arm themselves with ideas and values."
After failing in his first war, Olmert hopes that his second , make-up war will be different, "I know I can do better," said Olmert who promised himself that he will not flunk the next war, "I owe it to my mom, God rest her soul. She always said I would turn out a good for nothing goneph," Olmert said, "I guessed I proved her wrong, haven't I?"
How badly do the settlers abuse Israel's legal system? Read about it here from INN and also at the Honenu website.
Islamists Promote Disabled Women in Iraq!
ISL – Baghdad Islam is often attacked for its patriarchal attitude towards women – the head to toe covering, polygamy, genital mutilation of females and a complete lack of rights in the Islamic legal system have been seized upon by Western, right-wing extremists as examples of the racism, chauvinism and sheer evil underlying radical Islam. But, undeterred by these shallow critics, Islamists continue to forge a path ahead into the 21st century, for themselves as well as for decadent Western society, which has much to learn from the Islamists' most recent advancement : complete equality for the disabled, including, at long last, disabled women!
This landmark was achieved just two days ago when Islamist activists hired two retarded women for the job of carrying a load of explosives and ball bearings into the busy animal market in Baghdad. Upon arriving at the market, the women's contract was terminated by remote control, incidentally killing and injuring more than a hundred innocent bystanders. Although it is true that the women did not manage to hold on to their job for very long, prominent Western feminists have reacted favorably to the precedent set by Al-Kaeda terrorists, ""Maybe next time they'll do better," said Beth Goldstein, Head of the "Feminists for Sharia Alliance" which has its headquarters in Berkely (where else?), "The important thing is that people can now see that disabled women can be productive and contribute greatly to Muslim society."
Shiek Kattel Al-Niswan , Head of the Human Rights Section in Al-Kaeda, said that he had lobbied for over a year in order to get the organization to agree to employ disabled women,
"Most Muslim terrorists have an innate distrust of women, especially if they can barely talk or understand what is said to them," said Al-Niswan, "It is a result of a traditional education to which many of them have been exposed," the Sheikh lamented. Shiek Al-Niswan also said that he hopes that the success of the first two female employees will turn the tide against prejudice and discrimination in the Al-Kaeda organization, "Hopefully this will mark the dawning of a new age in which disabled men, women, and children will have an equal opportunity to kill infidels." The Shiekh also hopes that this successful experiment will pave the way for gay women and men, "I am positive that gay people can contribute greatly to the establishment of a just Islamic society," said Al-Niswan, "It is only a matter of time before they are too accepted as bona fide suicide bombers and then, finally, no one will be able to point a finger at Muslim society and say that we are evil or racist."
OK. Let me get this straight. I imagine that, according to the current rate, disabled women suicide bombers get 72 disabled virgin males, right? So, does that mean that a homosexual suicide bomber gets 72 virgin homosexuals? And, finally, would that come with 72 bottles of virgin olive oil? I'm just asking…
ISL – Jerusalem A few weeks ago the Jerusalem Post revealed that Bank Leumi is now adding scents to its branches in order to make the customer experience more pleasant. Using a combination of Kugel scent mixed with cholent, Bank Leumi Marketing Department hopes to make its customers feel more at home when they come to the bank. Head of Leumi Marketing, Yonah Peleg explained, "We want our customers to relax and feel that they are among friends and family when they come to our bank."
The move is intended to counter the rising degree of apprehension most Israelis have when they enter the their bank, "For some reason, Israelis get extremely uptight when they enter a bank," said Peleg, "And more often than not unpleasant arguments and fights break out and some branches have even experienced riots while attempting to give service to their customers." Although Peleg admits that the bank hasn't been able to figure out why this is so, it has taken steps to calm down its customers, "The scent is combined with a mild aerosol tranquilizer called 'BrainDead'," said Peleg, "Research has shown us that tranquilized customers are much more calm and easy to deal with and also, in the final analysis, much more likely to be satisfied with our service."
Independent analysts have praised the move, and Leumi stock has risen 100 points since the announcement was made. Says Baruch Cohen, a long time Leumi watcher and investor, "The ultimate goal of the bank is to separate the customers from their money. In a way this is similar to any other medical operation – it is painful, even excruciatingly so. It's like having your tooth drilled – obviously the customers were agitated." Cohen says that it is about time Israeli banks took the next logical step and anesthetized their customers,
"It is an easy, practical solution that will change the banking experience forever – no more shouting and shoving, no more awkward scenes – instead, just calm, satisfied customers obediently signing on the dotted line and doing what they're told. It will be banking heaven!" Despite the initial optimism, experts have raised the important question of how the new policy will effect Bank Leumi's employees. For instance, concerned investors and consumers may question how well the bank's employees will work under such conditions?
And it is here that the answers confirm what we, at ISL, have suspected for years: According to a newly released statement, it appears that Bank Leumi has been gradually replacing its human tellers with banking androids since 1992! By next year all the banks employees in its local branches will be sophisticated androids programmed to extract the highest amount of money from the customer, for the least amount of services given. It is this technological advancement that has enabled Bank Leumi to show consistently huge profits even when large parts of the Israeli economy and whole segments of Israeli society have been forced to declare bankruptcy. In the future, it is believed, Israeli banks will strive to replace the annoying Israeli consumer with the "Perfect Customer" android. But until that comes to pass, the banks will make do with the next best thing - the tranquilized human customer.
P.S. Has anyone noticed this new scent in his branch? I'm wondering how intrusive it is, how it feels and so on. Please share!
Super Bowl XLII Logo Offends Muslims, Sparks Terrorism
ISL – New York American football, the most popular sport in the United States, is also the most recent cultural institution to find itself under attack by Muslim groups, who now claim that the inclusion of Roman numerals in the logo is offensive to Muslim sensibilities: "Including pagan numerals in a public event is extremely insensitive," said former terrorist and human rights attorney attorney, Amir Mahmoud from CAIRE, "And it is just another example of the continuing humiliation of Muslims in America and the whole world."
Indeed, the logo fiasco has even reached Gaza, where Sheikh Abu-Talul, Head of the Islamic Mujaheedin took time out from killing Israeli citizens in order to express his great discomfort from the logo, "God be praised, I love American football," said the Sheikh, "But, like everything American, it is corrupt and must be cleansed. Changing the logo is our first goal." The Sheikh has issued a Fatwa forbidding Muslims to watch the Super Bowl unless the logo is changed and encouraging followers of the true faith to disrupt the broadcast and the game itself in any way possible, " At this moment in history, Super Bowl 42 presents the greatest threat to our vastly superior Muslim culture and it must be stopped by all means," said the Shiekh.
Sheikh Abu-Talul added that he hopes to start a football team in Gaza after the current crises is solved, with slight modifications, "Instead of body armor, our Shaheeds will wear their suicide belts and they will attack the enemy defense with their knives and guns. The last team standing will be the winner!" The Sheikh said that the American custom of not killing people during the game seems odd, "The game is like a battle, except for that small detail which the stupid Americans have left out,' said the Sheikh, who hopes to make a name for himself as a head coach.
Professor Jane Hedgecock from the Institute for the Research of Islamic Sensibilities (IRIS) said that such cultural misunderstandings could have been avoided with the proper consultation,
"Here at the Institute we have compiled a massive list of things that are known to offend Muslims, so there is no reason that a prominent institution like American Football should stumble accidentally into the minefield of Muslim sensibilities." Prof. Hedgecock said that by the end of the year it will issue the first volume of its ground breaking "Encyclopedia of Islamic Sensibilities". The first volume will concern itself with all offenses to Islam starting with the letter "A" such as "Americans", "Apostle", "Apocalypse", "Aruba" and so on. If everything goes according to plan, all 26 volumes will be published within the next ten years, with updates issued regularly, "Within a decade, every American will know exactly what do in order not to offend Muslims," promised Professor Hedgecock.
Of course, this great project does not solve the current situation. In order to do this, the NFL spokesman has already apologized profusely to all Muslim nations and it is rumored that Commissioner Roger Goodel himself will fly this week to Saudi Arabia in order to plead the NFL case before the Monarch and Holder of the Key to Mecca, King Faisal, "It was all an innocent misunderstanding," said the red-eyed Commissioner, "Obviously, the last thing we want to do is to offend one billion Muslims who could, one day, be one billion football lovers."
As a first step towards reconciliation with this violent but sensitive community, the NFL will immediately change the Super Bowl logo, replacing the pagan numerals with devout Arabic ones, "Nobody is forcing us to do this," clarified an NFL spokesman, "It is just a measure of our dedication to minority rights, in this case the minority of one billion Muslims"
New, Enterprising Jihad Group Raises Prices on Bombers, Offers Extra Virgins
ISL – Gaza
Despite being throttled by harsh Israeli sanctions, which lasted for one whole day, the Gaza economy is as vibrant as ever, led by the fiscal steam engine of Jihad. In fact, competition is so intense that nearly everyday new Jihadist start-ups are being established, creating a fiercely competitive environment. For instance, a new group calling itself "Jihad Now" has just launched an innovative marketing campaign, offering better deals than ever on suicide bombings: "Families that offer to sacrifice their sons and daughters can get over 500$ for each successful bombing, depending on the number of infidels killed and wounded" says Chief of Marketing, Osama Al-Baz, who added, "This is the deal of a lifetime."
To sweeten the deal, the maverick group is also offering a raise in virgins to the suicide bombers themselves, "Everybody is offering 72 virgins, " says Al-Baz, "For some reason this has become the accepted standard – but now, with our new offer – suicide bombers can get twice as many virgins of the highest quality, at no risk whatsoever to themselves. Our policy is 'Your satisfaction 100% guaranteed or your money back'." Al-Baz says that such guarantees have become necessary because of dilettante freelancers who dabble in Jihad hoping to make a quick dinar off of unsuspecting Muslims, "These con-men promise everything but in the end give nothing," says Al-Baz, "They are a disgrace to the honest profession of Jihad and to every decent Muslim terrorist." Al-Baz is especially proud of the group's television campaign, which highlights numerous satisfied families,
"Of course they are real families – credibility is very important to us," says Al-Baz, "For instance, we have the Hamid family from Shata, who offered their 13-year old retarded son as a suicide bomber – they came away with 500$, and as far as we know their child is much better off now in heaven then he was here on earth, while his family is also much happier – it’s a win-win situation for everybody," says Al-Baz. The ads also feature Muhammad Al-Dura – the poster boy for Palestinian suffering and sacrifice, "Al-Dura is seen as a role model for Palestinian kids who want to die and become internationally famous. The ad is very effective," says Al-Baz, "And it has brought us so many prospective suicide bombers that recently we have had to turn away those sweet kids – it's such a shame to disappoint the children and not let them kill themselves for their families and their religion," admitted Al Baz, "But this is a business – we can afford only so much sentimentality."
What can I say except: God forbid we ever display such sentimentality to our own children!
Demographic Threat to Israel Grows by Another 5% Experts Say
ISL – Tel Aviv
Experts have been predicting for years that a Palestinian population explosion in the West Bank will change the very nature of Israel. Fortunately, those dire predictions have proven false – it seems that contrary to demographic trends mapped out by experts such as Professor Pergula, Palestinian women do not give birth to twenty five children, on average. And they also do not marry at the age of ten. So for now, Israel is safe from that demographic threat. But some experts now say that another, more sinister threat is rising in Judea and Samaria – the dire threat of Zionism combined with Orthodox Judaism.
Specifically, a recent report from the Israeli Ministry of Interior states that the Jewish population in Judea and Samaria has risen by more than five percent in the past year. According to experts, this primitive population is, for religious reasons, opposed to the murder and rape of Jews and Jewish property and as such presents a serious and continuing threat to the very nature of contemporary Israeli society, "There is no doubt in my mind that the demographic threat is imminent – I see it as an ugly dark cloud of Zionist Judaism gathering in the horizon," says Itamar Lifshitz, Regional Coordinator for "Peace Happily Ever After" (PHEA) - an international NGO aiming to adjust life in Israel to the world view presented in children's fairy tales. PHEA is working ceaselessly to alert the Israeli public to the demographic threat while doing its best to counter it.
"There is a saying" said Itamar, " ' He who wants to prepare for Peace Now, must prepare for war with the settlers' and that is what we are doing - we see it as a no-holds-barred, no- prisoners-taken, fight to the Peace. We are throwing at them everything we can –court orders and injunctions, riot police and Palestinian terrorists, triple-double secret agents and terrifying, seditious media exposés . "And although the recent growth can be considered a setback," said Itamar, "I for one, have no doubt that our pure love of Justice and Human Rights and everything Good and Moral, combined with the political and financial clout of the European Union, the Arab League, the Third World and the Fourth Estate not to mention the Israeli Supreme Court, will eventually win the day," concluded Itamar.
I would not be so sure of that. If the astonishing faith of these young girls is any measure, the ending of this particular fairy tale will not be the one that Peace Now intended...
"The Failure of Demographers" an interesting piece from Yoram Ettinger illustrating that due to intense politicization, the state of Israeli Academia is rapidly approaching complete uselessness. I can't wait till the Left figures out a way to impose the point of view that 2+2 equals 5...
Olmert: I Accept Full Irresponsibility for the Lebanon War
ISL – Herzliya In a passionate key note address which closed the Herzliya Conference, Olmert admitted that many mistakes were made during the war, "The number of foolish mistakes, terrible decisions, and strategic and tactic miscalculations that the government made is truly disgusting," said Olmert, "And as head of the government and following in the footsteps of my predecessors, I am the first to acknowledge and accept full irresponsibility for each and every misstep. "Make no mistake, "Olmert reiterated, "No matter how bad or how egregious my governments mistakes were, I wish to emphasize once more that under no circumstance do I accept any responsibility for any of them or anything else that happened during the Second Lebanon War or, in fact, anything that happened during my whole tenure up to now or in the future."
Olmert went on to explain that accepting responsibility would be contrary to everything he and his generation were brought up to believe in, "Like the majority of my peers - in politics, in the press or in the courts - I was raised on the tenets of privilege and unaccountability. These are values I believe deeply in and therefore I am greatly offended by the numerous calls for my resignation. "Resigning as the result of incompetence would be like spitting in the face of our forefathers and trampling all our traditions!" Olmert thundered, "Did Rabin resign when the Peace Treaty he signed blew up in our faces? Did Peres? Do the editors of the newspapers resign when they mislead the public? Do the Supreme Court Judges resign when their decisions costs hundreds if not thousands of lives? "Of course not," said Olmert, "Such a notion would be ridiculous. I mean, if every one of us had to resign every time he displayed some degree of incompetence, why, could we even call that country our own? Would such a country still be the Israel we know and love? Did Moses resign after mucking about in the Sinai desert for forty years? "What I am saying is," said Olmert,
"That incompetence and irresponsibility are part of our heritage and I personally am not going to be the first one to defile this great Israeli tradition," said Olmert.
The Prime Minister also accused the media of misrepresenting the facts and inciting the public against his government, "Objectively speaking, the residents of the North have much to be thankful for," said Olmert, "One of the largest expenses for Israeli families is summer camp, and that summer we managed to get all the camps completely cancelled – that's a savings of thousands of shekels right there, and I'm not counting the savings on income tax, which the residents did not have to pay because they couldn't go to work, thanks to the war. "Also, everybody knows that the family is the building block of the nation, so everything we can do to get families to spend time together – quality time I might add – should be seen as commendable. And that is exactly what we did for two whole months! In fact, I am sure that the families in the North are probably the most cohesive ones in the country, thanks to the war" said Olmert, "Of course, I do not expect anybody to thank me – this is a thankless job - but to go so far as to completely ignore our achievements? That is just a bit too much.
Addressing his government's dire political situation and also his own precarious perch on his seat, Olmert said, "In times of trouble and great political upheaval, I always ask myself, 'What Would Rabin Do?'
" Just the other day I opened Rabinian 2," said Olmert, "Which, you may recall, describes those tempestuous times in which St. Rabin the Impeccable was besieged by his foes and his house was beset from within and from without and it was then that he sent for the Prophet Carmi Gilon who sayeth unto him, and I quote (verse 7), 'Thy government has sinned greatly and the God of Peace is angered. If thou wish to escape the wrath of thy Lord God, many sheep must be sacrificed to Him that Bestoweth Peace upon all.' "To which St. Rabin answered, 'May God have mercy upon me and my government, but whom shall we sacrifice? No sheep are left in the fold.' " And it was then" Olmert said, "That, as we all know, The God of Peace performed His second greatest miracle – the Miracle of the Sheep*: 'Verily, sayeth the Prophet Gilon, Look about ye and shed the scales upon your eyes for behold, the Lord of Peace giveth you sacrificial goats in abundance and yea shall beset them and slaughter them and your reign shall be long, for the settlers have sinned against the Lord of Peace and they worship the false god of Zionism.' To which St. Rabin bowed his head and said. "Amen. May His will be done."
Therefore I say to you now, what was good for Our Rabin, is good enough for me, but where he had one Avishai Raviv, I will have ten and where he had one Yigal Amir, I will invent a dozen. And the people will pity me and the press will protect me and the findings of the Winograd Commission will be like dust in the wind and with any kind of luck I will even manage a second term, just you wait and see!" said Olmert.
* The first and greatest miracle, for those of you who are secular and do not have a copy of the Third Testament in your homes (may St. Rabin have mercy on your souls), was The Miracle of the Hairy Terrorist.
Welcome to the third issue of ME satire links. As I explained in the first issue, I aim to gather the best satire published on the net in the past week and present it to my readers. In the event that I did not find any from this week - I will go back in time to unearth some gems which, perhaps, have gone unnoticed or at least are worth remembering. If you know of a ME satire site or a related post that is worthy, please tell me about it in the comments or by email so that others may enjoy it as well.
Note:If you are reading this from a feed you will not be able to see the videos.
This week's picks:
First, a great cartoon about the situation in Sderot. Like they say, a picture is better than a thousand words. I found this page of political cartoons by Steve Greenberg on a "Christians Standing With Israel" website. I never heard of him before but he is a longtime cartoonist and an excellent one at that. Check out his site - there's lots to see there.
An absolutely hysterical piece from Jerusalem Online. Would you believe Ahmadenijad has a stand up routine, and that it's really funny? Click here to find out why Iran needs a nuclear reactor for civilian purposes. I wish I wrote this piece.
Another piece from Arabs who have a sense of humor about themselves. Nice to know such people exist, in Syria of all places! There is a transcript from Memri here and the video itself is here. It's
